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The Insensitive MC

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New Season Series Regular [Sep. 17th, 2005|12:19 pm]
The Insensitive MC
[Current Mood |refreshedrefreshed]

I was watching that episode where Samatha gets the flu and noone would take care of her except for Carrie who made her frozen Fanta and cough syrup and I was thinking man, I haven't gotten sick this year yet and fucking, WHAM, Hi head cold Hi, thanks for showing up.

It was like if Uncle Phil was all, "Will, we haven't seen your friend in a while" and Jazz opens the door and stands there and the audience track is looping WHOO and then Phil tosses him outside [ARGH!] and he's wearing the same patterned brown shirt and stone washed jeans he always wears when Phil tosses him even though he showed up today in a red shirt and shiny slacks.

Because 2 TV metaphors beat 1 and you know it.

So my head was so congested with mucus and chocolate and Guinness [the latter 2 always being there] that a sales rep asked me to hand him a blue slip and instead I passed him a glue stick.

PlugWunderWhy: do you use glue sticks in the office?
PlugWunderWhy: i havent used one since like 4th grade
Professor Pesto: want to hear something funny
PlugWunderWhy: yes
Professor Pesto: my first week on the job they handed me a Staples catalogue and asked me to pick whatever I wanted for my desk and I was SO excited because OMG, office supplies
PlugWunderWhy: hahahah right
Professor Pesto: so I was flipping through it with glee like it was a Tiffany's catalogue and circling average things like pens and a calculator and then I saw glue sticks and thought, wow, I haven't had a glue stick since I was 11
PlugWunderWhy: hahahahahah
Professor Pesto: so they ordered two 6 packs of giant glue sticks for me and they are all lined up on my desk and I'll never, ever use them ever
PlugWunderWhy: hahahaha
PlugWunderWhy: thats awesome
Professor Pesto: you don't know glory until you've seen 12 glue sticks all lined up in a row

I'm getting pretty antsy day-by-day here. When everything is all okay all we want is disarray. Fickle bitches. I wonder why Desperate Housewives is such a hit and then I realize oh, right, of course. But it's not so much the relationship doldroms, it's everyday-droms. It's all just okay and that's just not enough. I read 2 Augusten Burroughs novels in a row and thought shit, I'm a wry fucker too, where does it all go? I provide running commentary on TV shows nightly like I should be a robot silhouette in a movie theater with a head made of an empty gum ball machine. Kind of a waste. So let's change that. Let me be a feature player on the show. I don't just want an 8 x 10 black and white of me displayed, I want my name announced by Don Pardo while I'm pretending to get out of a cab. Fuck it. It's a new season. A different writer. I'll see you all tomorrow, same show, different theme, let's get the ratings up.

Man, mucus? Motivates.

From: cuppajohn
2005-09-18 02:18 am (UTC)
augusten burroughs sucks beans compared to you. my last request before facing the electric chair would be for food (lots of it) and a post or two by you... among other things. i think augusten burroughs is a fraud.
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[User Picture]From: brakmobile
2005-09-18 01:04 pm (UTC)
You continue to rock my socks and yes, I fully concur with the Burroughs statement. "Memoir" should be surrounded with the thickest, grandest, glossiest, quotation fingers that ever existed. Like jazz fingers. Only much gayer.
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